Deep in December
by coldfusion9797
Summary: 16th December 2016


**AN: This is one of a bunch of Tony/Bucky stories I'm working on, so maybe set an author alert if you're interested in more. Enjoy :)**

When December arrives it isn't their first Christmas together that has Tony and Bucky slowly withdrawing into themselves, becoming silent with nervous contemplation. There's a day nine days before, a day that was life changing for both of them, one that they're both wary about the approach of.

For Bucky it's a strange combination of things, it's regret for what he did to Tony, to Tony's parents, but there's a brighter side to it too. It marks the first time he saw Tony and he knew even then there'd be more to their story, that Tony would be the one to absolve him if anyone could.

For Tony, it's the anniversary of his parent's death. For years a tragic accident, and regret over a shitty goodbye. But this year for the first time, he knows it was something more sinister. It was murder. His dad, maybe a casualty of war, but his mum, his sweet, innocent, kind and loving mother, reduced to nothing more than collateral damage. She hadn't needed to die. He wonders if they'd be able to forgive Bucky? Or if they'd be disappointed and hurt by Tony having done so?

As the day draws closer, they both grow quieter, lost in thoughts of the past and uncertainty about the future. Can their relationship really overcome and survive? Are they that strong?

The morning of the 16th dawns cold but clear, and Tony wakes up alone. He dresses methodically, preparing for his annual graveside visit. This was always the one day he kept for himself, in a life that never gave him a chance to catch his breath, time to be anything but at the top of his game, this was the one day he was allowed to be less than perfect. He was allowed to be scared, allowed to be angry, allowed to cry.

This year though, it's different. He has someone to share the pain.

He finds Bucky in the kitchen, making breakfast for two.

"Morning," Tony chirps, almost managing to make it sound like any other day. Almost.

Bucky looks up at him, his expression guarded and careful.

"Hey." Bucky attempts a smile, but it doesn't reach his eyes and doesn't last long. "I wasn't sure..." he says, gesturing helplessly towards a stack of toast and two cups of steaming coffee. "I mean, I thought you might want some space? Maybe? I know you're going to see them today."

It's obvious how much Bucky wants to be there for Tony but there's also the fear that he's not the right person for it.

What a messed up situation, but there's one organisation the blame lies with, and that's HYDRA. Bucky's just as much a victim as Howard and Maria.

"Not from you," Tony says, choosing to put the living before the dead, by taking his usual seat. "I thought you might come with?"

Bucky freezes for a second, then he nods and slides the plate of toast across the table.

xxx

Their graves are side by side. Carved of the same black marble. Beautiful, but unexpectedly modest for Stark monuments. Tony'd chosen them on a whim, wanting the whole process to be over as quickly as possible. He'd been very young and in a lot of pain. Stane had made the actual arrangements.

Tony's stood here two dozen times over the years, in various states of grief and anger and loneliness. Never able to find the right words because he hadn't managed them when his father was alive and apologising to a slab of rock always seemed like too little too late, the guilt gnawing away inside, turning his tongue to lead.

Today he thought there'd be so many things to say, maybe an apology, maybe an explanation, maybe even a plea for forgiveness, but there aren't. Bucky standing by his side says it all.

Tony stoops down and lays a bunch of red and yellow gladiolus for his father. Even now he gets a little satisfaction from revving the old man up. For his mother, it's pink carnations, her favourite.

Bucky silently adds a single white tulip to each grave.

They step back and Tony clears his throat.

"Dad, you know Bucky Barnes. Not as amazing as Steve Rogers, I know, but he comes a pretty close second." That's a joke of course, something to hide behind. All defences slide off though when he addresses his mother. He never had to pretend with her. "And Mom, there's someone I want you to meet. You probably won't believe it, I know I still find it hard to, but I finally found the one. That person we always talked about..."

He looks at Bucky and Bucky looks back, blue eyes brimming with love. The very thing, the only thing, his mother had ever wanted for him.

Standing at the foot of his parent's graves, Tony reaches over and curls his fingers around Bucky's metallic ones, fingers Tony built himself, and feels Bucky's new hand tighten around his in response. It's an affirmation that they are here for each other, they both need this, both of them have scars from this day. Tony's lips stretch into a thin smile, and he looks back to his mother to tell her a simple yet important truth.

"I'm happy Mom." And for the first time in twenty-five years he doesn't feel unworthy to stand before her, he feels proud, because he knows it's all she ever wanted to hear from him. He finally got something right.


End file.
